15 Tips to Cope with a Demanding Life
February 19th, 2007 by Dave Cheong
Six months or so ago, my life turned a corner. Here I was thinking I’m a busy person, but with the birth of my baby daughter, life is suddenly a whole different ball game.
Not only am I completely time starved, I find it is also difficult to plan around the unpredictable behaviour of a baby - when she screams you just have to drop everything instantly!
This begs the question - How can we cope with a demanding life?
Here’s my list of 15 tips.
1. Reflect on what’s important
I find we are taking on more than our parents ever did. We’re just having busier lives. In today’s world, between working, socialising, exercising and parenting, where’s the time for relaxation? For many of us, I suspect we’ve operated in auto-pilot for so long, we don’t even know if what we’re doing is congruent to our values and goals in life. My advice is to take some time and reflect on what’s truly important in your life then structure your schedule accordingly so you can focus on the right things.
2. Be the master of your own destiny
This is your life. Remember, you can be happy if you choose to and our limitations are mostly self imposed. If there is an aspect of your life which you are unhappy with, then you owe it to yourself to change and make a difference. Unless there are external factors involved, your life won’t get significantly better unless you do something about it. Take charge and be the master of your own destiny. Too stressful at work? Take on less responsibility. Delegate some tasks. Quit. Anything - just take action.
3. Simplify where possible
Human needs are fundamentally basic. From a physical perspective, all we need is food, clothing and shelter. Our emotional needs are more complex, but as long as we’re happy, everything else is just bonus. Take a moment to look at your life, what you have and what you do. You might find that maybe there are aspects to your life and routine which add to your stress but aren’t really essential to your well being. Eliminate these where possible.
4. Learn to cope with stress
Sometimes, things can’t be further simplified. Instead of making our lives less stressful, we can improve our stress coping abilities. Some people read a novel or practice yoga, whilst others spend hours at the golf course or take time out to go on holidays and recharge. Whatever suits your fancy, but do spend the time to de-stress. It is not healthy to operate constantly under high levels of stress.
5. Talk to yourself
Talking to yourself is a powerful tool everyone should have in their personal development arsenal. I find it is useful for so many things and in all sorts of situations. When I’m faced with a stressful situation, talking to myself gets me calm so I can focus on the task at hand. When I’m unsure of what to do, I reflect on what it is I’m trying to accomplish and walk myself through the steps to get things done. When I’m distracted, talking to myself allows me to regain focus and apply the Diminishing Distractions technique. What you do and how you react, is determined by what you say to yourself. So make a habit to say the right things, to help ensure the right results.
6. Talk to others
When life feels too demanding and stressful, find someone you can confide in. Talk about your fears and problems. Don’t keep things bottled up inside. It’s easier to let steam out a little at a time than to wait until the pressure is so strong that you explode! Remember, you don’t have to live life alone. Talk to others - family or friends - and get their emotional support. Not only can they be a good sounding board, but you might find they can offer solutions to your troubles which you haven’t thought of before.
7. Leave work at work
Many people I know don’t stop working when work stops. They take work home or work overtime and get home late. I find one of the most useful tools one can have to cope with a demanding lifestyle is having boundaries. Leave work at work. Make sure the planning provides sufficient time to get things done without breaking your back. It’s ok once in awhile to bring work home, but don’t do it consistently. Learn to draw boundaries and allocate suitable time boxes to spend on things. This applies to everything and not just work.
8. Remove the clutter
I happen to like working with a clean desk and spacious surroundings. I feel less cramped and my brain has room for creative freedom. Not everyone works the same way of course. I have friends whose desks are literally filled with so much paper, you can’t even see the colour of the wood underneath. However, if you have an overly demanding lifestyle, try to remove the clutter. Make sure things are filed in the appropriate places, so that when you’re working on one thing you only have the material related to what you’re working on within arm’s reach. Everything else is a distraction and shouldn’t be easily accessible until you’re ready to work on them. If you work in a chaotic environment, you’re going to live a chaotic life. So clean things up. Get organised.
9. Write things down
If you’re a follower of David Allen’s Getting Things Done methodology, you’d know the importance of writing things down. He believes that if you have too many things in your head, you’d inevitable forget something and they don’t get done. I echo the same sentiments with the addition that if you have too many things in your head, your stress levels tend to be higher. For example, imagine you’re at work and you’re trying not to forget to call the plumber to fix the leaks at home. Or when you’re at the park playing with your children and you’re thinking about the big meeting on Monday. Life feels a lot more complicated, doesn’t it? So, if you haven’t got a task list, start making one. Write things down and free your brain to concentrate on the tasks at hand.
10. Finish things off
Whether you’re a busy professional, a college student or stay at home parent, at any one time you probably juggle several things simultaneously. Whilst multi-tasking is a good skill to have, try not to handle too many things at the same time. Instead, make a point to finish things off. I find that whenever I have unfinished tasks, part of my brain is always working on them, even though it may only be at the sub-conscious level. You may not realise it, but these unfinished tasks contribute to your resting stress level. So try to get things done and closed off, instead of leaving them partially done and occupying precious brain cycles.
11. Learn to say ‘No’
If you find yourself being overwhelmed with the pressures of your current commitments, learn to say ‘No’ to new commitments. Saying ‘No’ isn’t an admission of weakness or reflection on your ability to cope with the pressures of life. It just means, that for now, you don’t have sufficient bandwidth to take on new things. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s better to give your existing commitments the time they deserve and do a proper job rather than take on too much and do things poorly.
12. Ask for help if you need it
The smartest thing you can do when you feel like you’re overwhelmed and can’t fulfill your commitments is to ask for help. Many people are afraid to ask for help. To them, asking for help is a sign of failure or inability to get things done. To me it is the complete opposite. Asking for help shows maturity and highlights a person’s desire to do a good job. I’d rather work with someone who knows when to ask for help, than someone who works crazily, to the detriment of the project and their health.
13. Accept that life is a series of ups and downs
I don’t know what the proper name for it is, but there are people who observe their health on a daily basis. Every time something unusual happens, they think it’s a terminal medical condition! Similarly, I find there are people who take life just a bit too seriously and are adversely affected emotionally whenever something bad happens. My advice is to take life a little less seriously. There will always be ups and downs. Don’t get too stressed out. This is just life.
14. Adopt a positive outlook and approach to life
It won’t change the reality of your present situation, but it will change your perception of it. You can choose to either look at the obstacles life presents as problems or you can look at them as opportunities. Though it won’t relieve you from your daily pressures, adopting a positive outlook will affect how you approach life’s challenges for positive gain. Remember that life is a journey to be enjoyed. Start now and change the way you look at life.
15. Have faith in yourself
The last tip I have to help with coping with a demanding life is to have faith in yourself. I’ve always believed that the human spirit is our greatest strength. Only when faced with the most difficult situations, challenges and danger do we learn and grow. Believe in yourself! Persevere. If life is tough, then be tougher. You’d be surprised by how amazing you can be if you give yourself a chance.
Related Posts
10 R’s to Apply if you Want to Succeed
February 5th, 2007 by Dave Cheong
I have been watching recently the increase in popularity of my post about the 5 steps to accomplish your goals with some interest. When I first wrote the article, I was hoping to articulate a simple framework for anyone to follow. Keeping it simple was important, because in our times of need, simple things can help to keep us motivated and get back on track.
In the months since writing that article, I have expanded on the 5 steps and have come up with a useful framework to apply to personal growth and development in general. Though it is slightly more ambitious in what it aims to cover, it is still easy to understand and follow. Note, the intent is to communicate a high-level framework — one that guides our thinking and actions. It won’t get you from zero to hero on its own, but if you follow it’s principles and philosophy, it may just guide you when you need it the most.
To help you remember it, the framework is simply called 10 R’s to Success.
There are essentially 10 elements to the framework. In the description to follow, I’ll use the word “problem” but you may substitute it with “goal”, “challenge” or “objective” . These are all interchangeable and equally applicable in this context.
Here is how it works:
1. Realistic
If you’re anything like me and have read self-help books before, you’d find that sometimes when you finish one of these books, you’d feel like you can walk through fire and conquer the world. Whilst that’s not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes it can be a little dangerous. Unrealistic goals and expectations can lead to failure and disappointment.
This is why I’ve set being Realistic the most important element of the framework. It wraps the other elements and serves as a reminder that throughout the process, we have to be brutally honest with ourselves about what we are trying to do, whether it is attainable or not and what’s really involved.
2. Realise
The precursor to any change is Realising a change is required. For me, this is typically personified by the “Ah ha” moment. That is, the moment when something inside just clicks by magic and I realise there’s a problem and something needs to be done.
Based on my experience, this is really the first step in the whole process. If we don’t know whether a change is required or not, either nothing would change or something would change but not by choice or conscious effort. The net result of this is we’re left letting the Universe dictate our happiness.
3. Recognise
The Recognise step comes immediately after Realise. It is about identifying what the problem is truly about and whether there are any parallels we can draw from based on our past experiences and circumstances. I find problems are seldom completely unique. If I were to break a problem down, there are always similarities with other things I’ve done before. Recognise is the step in which we try to figure out what the problem is about and whether we’ve solved similar things before.
4. Reframe
Sometimes, our initial assessment of a problem can be incorrect. Often, I find this is because the problem is poorly defined. Reframing is the feedback step which allows us to restate the problem in a different way and in doing so perhaps Realise and Recognise the problem as something else entirely. This can sometimes cast a problem in a different light and present a solution which may otherwise not be obvious.
5. Respond
Although Respond is depicted as the next step which comes after Recognise, it doesn’t really occur until the problem is fully Realised, Recognised and Reframed (if necessary).
Respond is an action step. It is about taking the problem we have identified and working at the action items until the problem is resolved. I find using solutions I have applied to similar issues, keeping things positive and other great problem solving nuggets to be useful here.
6. Review
Have we actually resolved the issue? That’s a question we should always ask, even though it may seem obvious for simple problems. Review is the time we do this and it’s important because without it, we may never learn from our mistakes or know if our solution has done the job or not. If we aren’t satisfied for whatever reason, we will need to Repeat a few things.
7. Repeat
Repeat is the step which we follow if for whatever reason the solutions we have put in place does not meet all the requirements we have identified.
I find as I work on a problem, my initial assumptions can be incorrect. For these cases, I repeat the Recognise step to redefine and potentially reframe the problem. Sometimes also, I may need to re-execute and re-implement for no other reason than me making mistakes the first time through. For these cases, I simple Respond again.
8. Reflect
Reflection is similar to Review in the sense that we are comparing what we’ve done against what we have set out to do. Whilst Review is focused mainly on the problem itself, Reflect is about matching what we’ve done against our overall mission statement and goals in life.
I’ve always believed that life is too short to be doing things that are not congruent to our life’s goals. Reflection is the step in which we pause for a second to ask if we’re doing the right thing. If we aren’t perhaps we need to reassess our position and change.
While this isn’t a step we need to do all the time, I find it pays to do it occasionally simply because sometimes we can work in auto-pilot, get bogged down with the realities of life and forget what’s really important to us.
9. Reward
I described this step in the original post about the 5 steps to accomplishing your goals and I’ll briefly reiterate it here. If you have met all the requirements of the problem and are measuring well against your overall goals, then reward yourself. This is an important step because it helps to keep us motivated. As with the other steps, ensure your Rewards are Realistic!
10. Renew
The final element in the framework is Renew. Renew is essentially using the results of the work you have just done and the things you have just achieved as a motivator for new and more ambitious goals. Use it as a launching platform to set your sights to new things which may not have seem possible or Realistic before.
In conclusion
Life is a continuous process of discovery and learning. We only stop doing either of these when we die. At this very moment, you are discovering new things, experiencing interesting events, learning and growing constantly. For any given problem, challenge or goal, pause for a moment and identify which step you’re at. The great thing is you don’t have to start at the beginning of the flow. Just start applying the 10 R’s to Success based on where you’re at right now, irrespective of the problem.
I hope what I’ve written makes sense. I don’t think I’ve fleshed it out as well as I could have in this article. If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment. If you can, please provide me with some input on what works and what doesn’t based on your own experiences, so I can incorporate your suggestions and improve the overall effectiveness of the framework for one and all.
Related Posts
Reader Question: What Does a Time Box Look Like?
October 4th, 2006 by Dave Cheong
In my previous post, I mentioned that I am going to flesh out some of the responses I have made to people who have contacted me directly for advice. Continuing with this, here is an email I received from a reader (let’s call him John) which I thought may be useful to share:
Hi Dave,
I’m an artist. I also have OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). To that end I have a very difficult time staying on task with things and making things happen. I’ve been searching for ways to organize myself in an effort to not procrastinate, break down tasks etc. My question may be elementary and silly but what does a time box look like? I mean, is it a flow chart? Is it open to interpretation, just a title, and a list of things to do to make the task complete?
Thanks for your time and I like your site.
John
Hi John,
Thank you for your email. Let me see if I can tailor a response to your needs.
As an artist, I imagine you work on things which by nature are open ended. For these types of tasks, it is difficult to identify when something is complete. I used to sketch a lot in the past and although I didn’t do it at a professional level, I know what it feels like when a piece of artwork is in progress and never quite complete. In many ways, the 80/20 rule applies, where the remaining 20% takes up 80% of the time!
I can’t say I know what it feels like to have OCD. If I did have it, I imagine it would affect how much attention I pay to detail and how I approach work and life in general. Even the simplest and most mundane thing could be time consuming.
This is where I think Time boxing could really help. Time boxing is essentially fixing the amount of time you have available to work on things. When the time is up, you make a conscious decision at that point whether it is done or not. When working on a sketch, one can decide after 30 mins if the sketch is “good enough” and can be considered complete or not. If not, you allocate another time slot to continue working on it. This time slot can be the next thing you do, or it could be later in the week. It doesn’t matter which really. The most important thing about Time boxing is being aware of the passing of time.
It is pretty much open to intepretation. What I suggest for you is this:
1. Plan your day out
Start each day by deciding how many Time boxes you need and what you hope to achieve in these Time boxes. For you, I suggest being explicit about what is going to be done in a certain Time box. As with all goals, make sure they are well-defined and includes the 6 elements of a good goal. The other benefit of doing this at the start of each day is you have a holistic view of the day. I mean, by the end of each Time box, it is easier to make a call on whether a given task is complete or not simply because you have a holistic view of the day and can judge how much work is outstanding.
2. Try not to overrun
Make this a goal and record everything. What I mean is for you to make it a goal for each day to stick to your Time boxes. In the beginning you might get it wrong and be overly optimistic about how much you can accomplish in a given day. However, over time, your estimates will become better as you become more conscious of time and how long it takes to do things. Try and record everything, even things which are mundane. For OCD, I imagine you would find yourself constantly doing things again and again, just because you can’t help yourself. If you record how much time you spend on a given task, if you find yourself spending more time than usual on it, then use the recorded times to convince yourself to stop and move on! Also, in doing so, you focus on the outcomes and results and less so on the activity part of the work.
3. Buy a stop clock
I have recently decided to get a stop clock which sits on my table, going “ding” every 30 mins. I’ve only been trying this recently, but it makes me aware of time. Sometimes when I’m working, I lose track of time and could overrun on a Time box without realising it. However, with this simple yet practical change, the clock reminds me every time 30 mins elapses. It might be a good way to interrupt your thinking/working and remind you to focus on results and getting things done.
Format of a Time box
As for your question about what a Time box really looks like - simply it is free form. It can be whatever you want it to look like. However, the following elements must be present in a Time box:
- Time - how long it is. Note, you don’t need to have the same time duration for all your time boxes. Some Time boxes can be shorter than others depending on the actual time of day and the work to be done. For example a Time box for me in the morning before work is 1 hour (because that’s how much free time I have before I have to get ready) but a Time box during a working day is only 30 mins (I plan my work around short time slots so I can better report on progress).
- Task title - the work to be done. This statement describes succinctly what you aim to do in the Time box. For you, that could be working on a sketch. For me, that could be spending time on writing an article or responding to emails. In your case, I suggest being explicit and spell things out fully.
- Outcome - when it is considered complete. For a given task, identify when the task is complete. To do so, write down the outcome of the task. Use this at the end of every Time box to decide if what you aim to do has been accomplished or not.
Does this help? I hope it does and wish you all the best. It would be great to hear what you come up with and what works and doesn’t. If you haven’t read my article on how to stay focused, please take a look. In it, you may find a nugget which you can incorporate into your daily habits and patterns.
If there is anyone out there who has experience helping people with OCD or time management in general, feel free to leave a comment.
John, good luck to you!
Related Posts
